Hey... Remember Me?

It's been a long time since you came around... And it's not your fault! My plans to continuously update friends and family about my journey was distrupted by- life! You know, last minute plans and those pesky things "you HAVE to get done now". Along with a mixture of illnesses and playgroups, just taking a shower regularly was an accomplishment! 

Well, as I sit here watching season 2 of Parenthood while the rest of my family is sound asleep, I thought to myself "What can I productively do without having to get up from the couch?" Update everyone of course!! So here I am, 1 in the morning and wide awake (I think). 

Where did we leave off? Round 2? 

The end of round two was very upsetting for me. I started getting that feeling that my body didn't want this to happen. I felt like a failure and that I let down my intended parents. It sucked having to tell people that "No, unfortunately this round didn't take. I'm hoping we can try one more time, but I just don't know". It just SUCKED. It made me have that feeling of failure all over again. Which sucked even more. But, as a mom who tries to encourage her kids with positive responses, I realized kicking myself down did nothing, but kicking myself down even more. 

I often tell my oldest "Being upset will not change anything, it will only make you feel more sad. So instead, let's think about something better or do something new!" Now that doesn't always work, but taking my own advise, knowing when I should stop being upset, and looking towards the future really helped. I'm in no way saying you shouldn't be sad when IVF transfers don't stick. It's upsetting and taking a couple of days to grieve over the loss is healthy. Just don't think you did something wrong, because you didn't. Going through the process of IVF is tough. The meds, needles, healthy diet, frequent check-ups- it all takes a toll on you. 

So after putting my happy face on, I got some great news! Round 3 is in progress! Shared cycle, new egg donor and new doctor at the end of March. End of March! Putting a date to a transfer is just so relieving, but always feels so far away! 

Two weeks ago I started my meds and started going back to the doctor. It was sort of nice being back at the fertility clinic, getting my blood taken, and ultrasounds done. Weird, right? The first night I had to get a "big needle" (as my 4 year old calls it), I was nervous. But... excited at the same time? She asked "Mommy, do you want to hold my hand? You can squeeze it really hard too, if you want". You know I took her up on that offer. As I squeezed her hand, she came in close to me and whispered "It's okay mommy, almost done". My heart melted. It makes me realize- as much as she needs me in her life, I need her just as much in mine. 

Recently, my heart has been taken by two sweet babies that have gone to a better place. One of them being a sweet 2 week old baby who's body was found in the slough in a town not far from here, where he lived. Another, a sweet little girl named Ella who was found unconscious. For some reason Ella's journey fighting between Heaven and Earth hit me harder than I ever thought. She was the same age as my girl who I also call "Ella". What happened to her could have happened to any other child, including mine. Those two babies who were taken too early gave me that push I needed to pray every single night. 

If you're wondering what a girl like me who doesn't go to church often prays about, here is my list. I pray for the happiness and health of my girls, and my family, because if I ever lost any of them, my life would be completely shattered. I pray for a safe journey for Ella and Justice to Heaven where they can live pain free and happily. I pray for their parents, as we all know burying a child is heartbreaking for those of us who aren't related, I can't imagine how much more terrible it is for them. I pray for my intended family's health and happiness. I pray that within the next 10 months I can give them another baby to hold and cuddle. I pray that baby will come into this world as healthy as can be. I pray for myself to be a strong mother and go above and beyond for my children who deserve the moon and stars. 

Now I'm all mushy with a lump in my throat. 

As spring and summer are coming along nicely here in sunny California, I took it upon myself to try new things and get creative with my kids. I've created a calendar with specific things to do on weekdays. On Movie Monday, we get a redbox and a box of candies for each of us and enjoy it together as a family. Even if it means slighter later bedtime. Takos Tuesday is Kailee's favorite day of the week, so we spend the day cleaning the kitchen and downstairs to make sure we can enjoy our dinner and not worry about clutter. And of course we have to watch The Lego Movie ALL DAY. We cook or bake something new on What's cookin' Wednesdays and try to deliver extras to family or friends on Thoughtful Thursday. We also do something else thoughtful on Thursdays like writing letters to loved ones and getting them delivered to brighten their day! Fridays are a bit tricky because K has school from 9-2, but we're planning on Frozen Yogurt Fridays so we can all enjoy together! 

I encourage you to take time and do something new with your kids. Embrace their age, their strengths, the things they love, the giggles and the hugs. They will never be as young as they are right now. Take a picture of them with their favorite things and actually print them! I'm terrible with this, but if you promise to try, I will too! 

I hope you enjoyed my update, and I hope to continue to entertain you and bring good news in the next few weeks!