Hey... Remember Me?

It's been a long time since you came around... And it's not your fault! My plans to continuously update friends and family about my journey was distrupted by- life! You know, last minute plans and those pesky things "you HAVE to get done now". Along with a mixture of illnesses and playgroups, just taking a shower regularly was an accomplishment! 

Well, as I sit here watching season 2 of Parenthood while the rest of my family is sound asleep, I thought to myself "What can I productively do without having to get up from the couch?" Update everyone of course!! So here I am, 1 in the morning and wide awake (I think). 

Where did we leave off? Round 2? 

The end of round two was very upsetting for me. I started getting that feeling that my body didn't want this to happen. I felt like a failure and that I let down my intended parents. It sucked having to tell people that "No, unfortunately this round didn't take. I'm hoping we can try one more time, but I just don't know". It just SUCKED. It made me have that feeling of failure all over again. Which sucked even more. But, as a mom who tries to encourage her kids with positive responses, I realized kicking myself down did nothing, but kicking myself down even more. 

I often tell my oldest "Being upset will not change anything, it will only make you feel more sad. So instead, let's think about something better or do something new!" Now that doesn't always work, but taking my own advise, knowing when I should stop being upset, and looking towards the future really helped. I'm in no way saying you shouldn't be sad when IVF transfers don't stick. It's upsetting and taking a couple of days to grieve over the loss is healthy. Just don't think you did something wrong, because you didn't. Going through the process of IVF is tough. The meds, needles, healthy diet, frequent check-ups- it all takes a toll on you. 

So after putting my happy face on, I got some great news! Round 3 is in progress! Shared cycle, new egg donor and new doctor at the end of March. End of March! Putting a date to a transfer is just so relieving, but always feels so far away! 

Two weeks ago I started my meds and started going back to the doctor. It was sort of nice being back at the fertility clinic, getting my blood taken, and ultrasounds done. Weird, right? The first night I had to get a "big needle" (as my 4 year old calls it), I was nervous. But... excited at the same time? She asked "Mommy, do you want to hold my hand? You can squeeze it really hard too, if you want". You know I took her up on that offer. As I squeezed her hand, she came in close to me and whispered "It's okay mommy, almost done". My heart melted. It makes me realize- as much as she needs me in her life, I need her just as much in mine. 

Recently, my heart has been taken by two sweet babies that have gone to a better place. One of them being a sweet 2 week old baby who's body was found in the slough in a town not far from here, where he lived. Another, a sweet little girl named Ella who was found unconscious. For some reason Ella's journey fighting between Heaven and Earth hit me harder than I ever thought. She was the same age as my girl who I also call "Ella". What happened to her could have happened to any other child, including mine. Those two babies who were taken too early gave me that push I needed to pray every single night. 

If you're wondering what a girl like me who doesn't go to church often prays about, here is my list. I pray for the happiness and health of my girls, and my family, because if I ever lost any of them, my life would be completely shattered. I pray for a safe journey for Ella and Justice to Heaven where they can live pain free and happily. I pray for their parents, as we all know burying a child is heartbreaking for those of us who aren't related, I can't imagine how much more terrible it is for them. I pray for my intended family's health and happiness. I pray that within the next 10 months I can give them another baby to hold and cuddle. I pray that baby will come into this world as healthy as can be. I pray for myself to be a strong mother and go above and beyond for my children who deserve the moon and stars. 

Now I'm all mushy with a lump in my throat. 

As spring and summer are coming along nicely here in sunny California, I took it upon myself to try new things and get creative with my kids. I've created a calendar with specific things to do on weekdays. On Movie Monday, we get a redbox and a box of candies for each of us and enjoy it together as a family. Even if it means slighter later bedtime. Takos Tuesday is Kailee's favorite day of the week, so we spend the day cleaning the kitchen and downstairs to make sure we can enjoy our dinner and not worry about clutter. And of course we have to watch The Lego Movie ALL DAY. We cook or bake something new on What's cookin' Wednesdays and try to deliver extras to family or friends on Thoughtful Thursday. We also do something else thoughtful on Thursdays like writing letters to loved ones and getting them delivered to brighten their day! Fridays are a bit tricky because K has school from 9-2, but we're planning on Frozen Yogurt Fridays so we can all enjoy together! 

I encourage you to take time and do something new with your kids. Embrace their age, their strengths, the things they love, the giggles and the hugs. They will never be as young as they are right now. Take a picture of them with their favorite things and actually print them! I'm terrible with this, but if you promise to try, I will too! 

I hope you enjoyed my update, and I hope to continue to entertain you and bring good news in the next few weeks! 

Round Two

I know, I know... I'm terrible with updating the blog. But here's some insight into my life for the past month or so!

As you may know, my negative test result was heartbreaking for me. I didn't have a hard time getting pregnant with either K or S so I haven't been in this boat before. Rather than beating myself up about something that was out of my control, I took things one day at a time. I knew I was with an amazing agency and a spectacular couple, so things couldn't go anywhere but up. 

My doctor called me in the beginning of September and asked if October 11th sounded like a good day for a transfer. Of course it was! Any day was good for me! I anxiously waited for emails with my medication protocol and schedule for flights and hotels in Southern California. After all was set, we waited patiently for the day we were able to fly down and get prepped for the transfer. 

Our flight was easy, even with our 1.5 year old little one. She's flown before, so an hour flight was a piece of cake. We landed, got our rental car, and headed for my appointment. I couldn't take the smile off my face. I was happpy to be back in the warm, inviting office. I was excited for the next day to see my intended parents and have the transfer. After the apppointment, we spent the rest of the day relaxing at the hotel, enjoying a trip to the mall and taking little miss to the beach. We ended our night at P.F. Changs, then came back to the hotel for a good nights rest since the following day was a big one. 

Waking up and getting dressed for the transfer felt so normal. I don't know what it was, but it didn't really HIT me until we got there- I'm going to be pregnant again and I get to hand over that little bundle of cuteness (or two little bundles of cuteness) over to an amazing family. My eyes water just thinking of the moment they get to hold their baby. 

After we arrived, the nurse prepped me into a beautiful blue open backed gown that I'm sure some of you may have had the pleasure to wear. After my meds kicked in, I just waited for my intended parents to arrive so we can get the show on the road. 

When they walked in, it was like the room lit up. They were as excited to see us as we were to see them. We caught up for a couple of minutes before the doctor came in and got ready for the procedure. He came in with a couple of pictures of the embryos we were placing. Two boys and a girl! It's amazing how 3 little bubbles can turn into a baby after 40 weeks of care. Looking at the picture and knowing the potential these little ones have put an even bigger smile on my face. 

It was time! I'm not going to get into the juicy details of how an embryo transfer works, but pretty much think of a Pap smear and you're there! The proceure went great! The doctor told us to look for the bright light. Once we saw it, everyone gasped. So bright, so perfect. This time is THE time. I've had so many amazing MJ mommas keeping us in their thoughts and prayers and I know my IP's have some great prayer warriors on their side as well. Together, with positive thoughts and God's will, we will be able to bing a baby (or two) into this world and into the arms of this amazing couple. 

Now we play the waiting game for the test results. I'm hoping for a high beta number that continues to grow and grow along with the baby. Thank you all for your support. We are so thankful to have so many people praying for us. 

Let's try this again.

Thanks to my awesome ipad, my last almost finished post was deleted when I hopped on my safari to grab y'all a link for something. So sad! Just goes to show that sometimes, it takes a second try to get things done. 

My last post was to tell everyone of my test results that came back negative. I've gotten so many texts, facebook messages and posts from moms who follow me, sharing their love and wishing me well. To say it was thoughtful, caring and welcomed doesn't give justice to how much better you all were making me feel. As I stated in my first post, I thought I had lost my oldest 8 weeks into the pregnancy. That was one of the most heartbreaking moments of my life. Hearing the test results made my stomach drop the same way it did when the doctor said "You're most likely having a miscarriage, there's nothing we can do." 

This time, it wasn't just a loss to my husband and myself, it was a loss to another family as well. I was so ready to be pregnant. Ready to get my cravings on and buy my Intended Parents little baby girl outfits to gift them. But someone had a different plan for us. It's not a plan I wanted or intended, but I can't be upset over things that are done. The loss of the sweet girls I was carrying will stay with me forever. I just hope that they watch over the next buns I get, and that they are the stickiest little buns they could be. 

Recently I noticed I had gained weight. I don't know if it was from the medication, the stress or the fact that I eat 4 cookies a night. I don't care how it came, I gained it and I wasn't happy. Monday night I told myself "You're getting up tomorrow morning and working out." AND I DID. Oh my, I can't explain how much better I felt after working out for an hour. I worked out with the help of some free ab, butt and leg exercise apps and my Thermofit. After working out I enjoyed my Chocolate ProFIT protein shake. SO GOOD. Today, I'm sore. Like everywhere. My neck, my legs, my butt and my arms. I took today off because I had an awesome night with my best friends from High School and we all (all except hubby) slept in. Tomorrow though-I'm back at it. Waking up early, sweating for an hour in my living room, burnin extra calories (thanks to my Thermofit), then showering and getting ready for what will be a busy day!! 

My yummy ProFIT protein shake - http://biancafinney.myitworks.com/shop/product/316/

Ray and I have been talking and wondering when we'll get an email or phone call with my next step and protocol. We're THAT excited to get this journey on the road! Personally, I just think Ray misses injecting a 4 inch needle in my butt. It's like his way of saying "This is for buying from that last Matilda Jane release! Haha!" Kidding. I hope. 

Today I got an email!! 

Not with my protocol, but with good news that we are ready to start with the next step. As soon as the doctor gives my orders, I'll be getting my body prepped for transfer number 2! Hopefully this round will stick and we have a healthy little one cooking!! I'm happy and excited to continue this journey and will keep praying every night to be able to carry and nurture a baby for 40 weeks!! 

Mommy and her second blessing Ella

Thank you all for your support and kind words. I am very lucky to know so many kind women who message me and ask how I'm doing. It really is a blessing, thank you!

Test results

Hey everyone! I've been so busy from the transfer, going on vacation and getting back to normal that I haven't been able to update everyone on what's going on.

First of all, I would LOVE to give an awesome shout out to one of my best friends from High School. She recently delivered two sweet baby girls via C-Section for her IP's. Her pregnancy with these girls put her on bed rest for a while, but they came out at a perfectly cooked 37 weeks! How awesome is that! This girl was always by my side, whether it was going to class, getting into trouble or holding my hand and telling me everything was going to be okay. I went through one really rough period of time in High School where I thought all of my friends hated me and I was really alone. This girl stayed by my side and helped me get through this rough time. I'm so grateful to call her my friend and I am beyond excited and happy for her!

I got home from vacation on Tuesday night, and had an appointment for my blood pregnancy test on Thursday. I thought I could hold out until the test, but I just couldn't! I had Ray bring home some pregnancy tests and the 2 that I took were both POSITIVE! I was so happy, but I didn't want to get ahead of myself. I tried to remain calm and wait for the results from the doctor. I got a phone call around 3pm from our doctor who had informed me that while the test was positive, it was a very low number (a 6 to be exact) and that I would have to go back on Monday for a retest.

My heart sank. Something in me was scared for the next test. While I had so many amazing MJ mommas telling me their great success stories of their babies being a 5 and turning 2 years old soon brought my spirits up, but just like before... I didn't want to get my hopes up. The whole weekend I felt... BLAH. You know, lingering headache, wanting to eat but nothing sounding good, napping for 3 hours, that kind of stuff. Which we took as a good pregnancy sign.

Unfortunately when I got the phone call on Monday afternoon, I was told my test came back negative and that I was in fact not pregnant. I took a deep breath in and out after the phone call. I could only ask myself WHY? I've never had a problem getting pregnant the regular way. I want to give this gift so badly to this amazing couple and I just can't right now.

So now I have to wait for Aunt Flo to pay me a visit, and we will go from there. I hope we can get the ball rolling soon, because I love being pregnant and like I said, I want to give the gift of baby toes and cuddles so badly.

I am thankful to all my MJ mommas who have supported me and lifted my spirits through this rough time. Your thoughts and words of encouragement mean the world to me. I wish I could just hug all of you! While I am sad that these girls didn't take this round, I know that it isn't uncommon for first rounders not to stick. It also reminds me how lucky I am to not have to go through this for my own children and makes me feel even more thankful for a body that can create and hold babies until they're with those who love them the most.
This is a sad part of surrogacy, folks... But I'm still happy as ever to be on track to giving my intended family the baby (or babies) they deserve to hold. I cannot wait until our next transfer!! I am beyond blessed with what I have already and I'm so lucky I have been chosen to give this gift to another family.

While I'm very saddened about this situation, I feel like one way to keep my mind busy and to help lift not only MY spirits, but those who I have met over the past months who have encouraged me and sent their positive thoughts and prayers. I'm going to do a series of PIF's (pay it forward's) to thank everyone who has given their gratitude to us. I'll be doing them on my Facebook profile (Bianca Kailee Finney), on my blog (in another KCINM post), on my Instagram account (biancakailee), on my It Works page (Paid To Get Skinny) and some other random places!

I wanted to get ALL of this done like 2 days ago and life got in the way. So, I'm thinking Friday night or possibly Saturday afternoon... or both! All I ask is that shipping is paid for, unless you're local and would like to pick up!! PIF's will consist of random things like princess slippers for your little girl, hair accessory board, It Works! wraps, Young Living credits/coupons, and some other random things I have laying around that haven't been used or opened.

Thanks to everyone for once again, reading all of my ramblings. Don't forget to add me on Facebook and Instagram and "like" my page Paid To Get Skinny so you'll be able to enter all of the PIF's!

Faith, Trust and Baby Dust!

Yes I watched Tinkerbell with K not long before we came down to San Diego. My girl love her fairies! 

Today was one of the greatest, most emotional days of my life. As we pulled into the hospital, I felt my stomach drop and in came a bazillion butterflies. I packed, flew and got ready for the appointment with no butterflies in my somach, but when I pulled in to that parking lot, it just hit me - I'm going to be pregnant again. I'm going to get a belly and crave weird foods and cry during Johnson & Johnson commercials. We walked up to the doctor's office and right as we opened the door, my intended mother was right there. Right in front of my face with her arms wide open ready to greet us with a box full of pear cupcakes. Hugging her felt so right. Like a best friend or cousin who I've known for years and we finally get to see each other after being apart for so long. It immidiately made my butterflies vanish and made me feel ready for this transfer. They brought their little one. SUCH a beautiful, sweet child that little one is. So happy and full of life. That baby deserves a brother or sister. 

I was taken to a room, went over paperwork and settled in to the bed I'd spend my next 45 minutes in. I don't think anyone can understand how amazing the staff is here. They answered any questions I had before I even asked. They were SO thourough with the procedure, it was just so comfortable. 

The doctor came in and gave us a picture of what the embryos look like. Yes, embryos - 2 to be exact. We reviewed how the procedure was done and got ready for two girls to be placed. I layed back, popped a Valium and talked amoungst my very excited set of intended parents and sibiling. We chatted about little boys versus little girls, about how my husband has trained my 4 year old to train my 1 year old to do things around the house like throw the trash away and put toys away. I cannot explain how happy and full of life my intended family is. They are so easy going and ready for add on to their family. 

After the Valium kicked in, the doctor came in again and asked if I was ready. Before he could finish asking, I replied "YES!" How could I not?! This family is amazing and more than deserving of another child, hopefuly two! The procedure was no worse than the yearly pap smear. The entire time, I had my eyes glued to the ultrassound screen. The doctor told us to look for the little "flash of light" as he set those two precious girls on the top of my uterus. After the picture was printed for us to take for a keepsake, the doctor, intended father and I joined hands over these baby girls, bowed our heads and prayed for the well being and health of these babies. 

And that was it! They reclined me back and propped up my legs. The sweet intended sibling was ready for some "out of the doctor" intereaction time, so our intended family left before I was able to get up. Before the intended mother left, she came to me, held my hand and expressed her thankfulness for me and what I was doing for her. The look in her eye, that excitement and anticipation of the possibility of having two sweet baby girls in her arms in 9 months... All worth it. 

The pain from the injections, the long wait, the realization of not only going through a labor I am used to, but a labor with twins... All worth it. 

Now the wait! We will have a pregnancy test on Thursday of next week and honestly, I can't wait for that day to be here! In the mean time, I will be thinking happy thoughts, praying, eating healthy and continuing my medications to unsure these girls have the best outlook in a full term pregnancy. 

I would like to take a second and say thank you to anyone and everyone who has followed my story, shared my story, encouraged me, prayed for us or thought of us. It means the world to me that I have such a great group of moms behind me in this journey. SO happy, that I feel like a giveaway is in oder. I don't know what, when or how, but with you amazing moms on my side praying and thinking for us, I honestly think these girls, my family and my intended family will have an even better outlook on this journey. From supporting comments to prayers, it all helps and I'm thankful for it all.

Again, thank you for following me on my journey and I hope you enjoy the posts! Talk to you all soon!! 

The Big Day!

I started this blog to share my experience being a surrogate. I want to remember my emotions, struggles and achievements as much as possible, so I'll be updating the blog anytime something "happens". Lol bear with me. It's 4:08am and I'm half awake ;) 

4:08am: I'm half awake. And we're driving to the airport. I have a few mixed feelings this morning. I'm still missing my girls and actually, anytime I think of their little faces, my eyes start watering up. This is one experience this momma bear hasn't gone through yet (being away from her cubs for 5 nights). I know they're in good hands, I just want to be able to hug them at any time. 

I'm also nervous to meet our intended parents. What if they don't like me? Don't laugh I'm being serious! 

So everything went so fast yesterday, I wasn't able to uppdate. Lame, I know. 

Anyway. After we landed, we got a car, and had some lunch. At the appointment, the wonderful nurse saw me walking and asked if I was okay. I explained to her that I wass having pain from the injecton site. She told me she needed to take a look, because it shouldn't be hurting this bad. After drawing my blood, we checked the site. The nurse explained that where we were injecting was a very painful spot as it's right next to my sciatic nerve. (Later I realized, that's probably why my back has been hurting. DUH). As she was examining me, I broke down. 

We had 4 hours of sleep the night before, flew an hour, then waited hours until our appointment, all while I was in the unbearable pain. Hearing it was in the incorrect spot just tipped the iceburg. I was happy though! I was happy to know there is an easy fix to stop the pain. SO HAPPY! 

The ultrasound went great, we got our protocol for the transfer day, and were on our way! We stopped by the pharmacy, bought myself a heated pad and came to the hotel. Seeing a bed to lie on and 2 outlets to plug my phone and heating pad into was the best sight. EVER. I hopped in bed, threw on my heated pad and fell asleep. 

This morning we planned on going to Kono's, an amazing breakfast spot, but the line was out the door and around the corner! So we came to a different place not too far. The view is amazing. We are right by the beach and the energy of the families on bikes and running or walking around is so amazing! San Diego is really beautiful and maybe one day we can call this place home. I know Ray would LOVE  that! 

My appointment is in an hour and 45 minutes. I'm nervous, excited and happy to get this transfer started! I ask that anyone who prays or believes in any sort of power, to think of us and the family. Pray and hope this baby sticks so we can get this baby into the arms of loving, deserving parents. 

That's all for now folks! Hope to update after the transfer this afternoon! 

Ouch.

Shots. 

We all know I don't like them, right? Well I got over that and now I'm fine with getting them. I'm no longer giving them to myself, my husband does it for me. And contrary to what you might believe, he does a pretty good job! 

Apparently, I skimmed over and didn't read the part where you should avoid sitting or laying down for 5-10 after recieving these little needles of love. My routine was - get the shot, go to bed. 

Well my freaking butt hurts more now than it does while getting the damn shot and quick frankly, between that and my kids driving me up a wall, I am miserable. 

"Well you signed up for this." 

"Get used to it mama!" 

Yeah don't give me that. I just want to lay here, vent and get advice from you super mommas who have gone through it before. 

My new routine is - shot, walk around with a heating buddy on injection site, watch Chopped, take a warm shower and let the water fall onto my luscious bruised up bum. 

Any other tips? I'd love any recommendations or suggestions! 

In other news, tomorrow is the last full day with my babies. Like I said, they have been driving me NUTS the last couple of days (probably because I haven't taken them out in this scortching got weather). I haven't ever been away from them this long! I've done one night away, but six?! I'm going to ball my eyes out on the way home from their grandmas house tomorrow. I know they're in good hands, but... Ugh. Just look at their precious little faces!  

And by the way- yes, K slept in those shoes that night. 

This post was a bit short, but I hope to get my story on Ella's pregnancy and birth out this weekend (I promise it'll be way shorter than K's) along with how the transfer went! 

Thank y'all for reading! And don't forget to leave your tips for me in the comments!! xoxo